I WANT TO MARRY A PRODUCER

ROYER-TED.jpgby Ted Royer, executive creative director of droga5, New York.

  Producers are great. They are my favorite people in
  advertising. And I want to marry one. Since every
  single person I've met over the last 15 years works in
  advertising or some related industry, I've realized
  that I'm destined to marry an ad person. After a brief
  panic attack, I thought about producers and felt much
  better. I want to marry a producer.
  I don't want to marry an account services person.
  Sure, they can take lots of pressure and abuse from
  the world, and they're organized (a definite
  prerequisite for my future spouse), but we'd quickly
  realize that while we share many goals, ultimately,
  she may not care enough about my goals. And caring
  about my goals, or at least seeming to, is very
  important.

  I'm not going to marry a traffic person. They propel
  jobs through the agency and thus are obviously good at
  getting stuff done. But they cry too much. Or they
  yell too much. Or they cry while yelling. There is
  crying and yelling at some point in every marriage. I
  wish to keep it to the bare minimum in mine.

  Marrying another creative seems like a great idea. We
  would laugh together. We would dream together. We
  would make amazing plans together. But we wouldn't
  know how to get any of those plans done or how to
  actually make anything happen. And then we would blame
  each other.

  I could marry one of my clients. We would have a great
  initial relationship. She would find me really funny
  and inventive, but over time, she might begin to doubt
  my motives and commitment. And she'd be right. Am I
  bored? Am I ultimately looking to trade up? Am I
  looking for a newer, fresher challenge? I'd be coy and
  say no. But the real answer would be... maybe.

  No, I want to marry a producer. A producer listens to
  the most batshit crazy idea and doesn't say yes or no
  or ask why, but instantly asks "How?" She could talk
  me out of dumb things with grace and logic, or
  conversely show me what it's possible to do with
  virtually nothing. A producer realizes that just as
  business and creativity need each other,
  responsibility (her) and irresponsibility (me) do too.
  A producer wouldn't be afraid of different challenges,
  no matter what form they took. A producer would be
  tough, fighting battles I'd neither see nor even know
  about. A producer would plan for a rainy day and not
  even tell me she was doing it and then, when it
  started to rain, she'd say, "It's covered, go over to
  the food table." A producer would stay up all night
  partying with me, then make sure what needs to get
  done gets done, while I sleep. Marrying a producer
  would allow me to be as self-absorbed, self-indulgent,
  self-congratulatory, naval-gazing and "creative" as I
  want to be.

  Of course, I could always date someone outside of the
  industry and see what the rest of the world is like.
  But that would be weird.

90 Comments

Anonymous said:

been done before.

Anonymous said:

I LOVE this. Best thing on the blog in ages.

I always take a motherly warmth from producers. I like it when they lick a hanky and wipe my face with it.

Mmm, they make everything alright.

JR said:

sigh. I think i'm in love.

Anonymous said:


Writing 'been done before' has been done before.

Anonymous said:

hey teddo this isn't a matchmaking site

Anonymous said:

I married a planner and then the agency receptionist. Both ended in tears.

Hmmmm, producer you say?

Anonymous said:

I'm a producer and this made me laugh. thank you

Anonymous said:

I married a producer. The only problem is that she doesnt like to take her work home with her.

Anonymous said:

check with monty.

Anonymous said:

Stop fantasizing about Jasmine Ted.

Scot

Anonymous said:

Nice Ted, you're obviously a funny guy and a good writer, but what's the point?

Anonymous said:

Sounds a little bit Mt. Gambier to me.

Anonymous said:

Great article, and so true. I'm married to a fellow creative and we're thinking of adopting a producer. Any takers? We're both really secure people, seriously.

Anonymous said:

The problem with producers is, they want to please everyone. What you want is a financial controller. They report to one man.

Anonymous said:

I married another copywriter.

Our shopping lists are original, relevant and interesting. But nothing ever gets bought.


Anonymous said:

Brilliant. And so true.

Anonymous said:

I married a female client.

Now I have to take it up the arse.

chanty said:

this is so great! really good point! and what's even greater is that i really am marrying a producer!!!

Anonymous said:

All female producers have colourful pasts - and I mean on the dirty side.

Anonymous said:

i'm a producer.
this article just made my day :-)
i want to marry an executive creative director ...

Anonymous said:

whoa a lot of women showing up in these here comments

Anna said:

Lovely read! I'm from Creative and yes, I am now open to dating - and later on hook up, with producers!

Anonymous said:

I think you need a second opinion on this.

Anonymous said:

I married an art director.

That means ..

Oh fuck, I can't be bothered.

Anonymous said:

how tall is Ted?

Anonymous said:

I'm an art director and was going to marry a Creative Director but he pulled the pin on the whole wedding day while I was on the way to the church and 9 months worth of hard work, lunch, booze and photographers bills have gone down the toilet.

Now we're about to get married again. He's chosen the flowers. And written my vows. And picked the photographer. It's going to be exactly the same, just my family will sit one row back from the original seating plan.

Life's wonderful, isn't it?

Anonymous said:

I married a producer - she produced 2 kids and 4 edits of each birth!

Anonymous said:

I want to marry Ted. But I'm a creative.

Anonymous said:

Give a fuck

Anonymous said:

Very funny and so very true.

Anonymous said:

I am concerned by the stereotypical use of a female as a producer.

Surely, if the affection for a producer is genuine, it should matter not what their gender is.

Anonymous said:

4.57

So what made you think he wants to marry a woman?

p.s. how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!

Anonymous said:

Why don't we just marry our jobs?

Jeez.

Anonymous said:

I remember advertising – a good few years ago, on another continent – where creatives didn't just come from colleges. They came from building sites, from teaching in schools, off the back of motorcycles in despatch companies, from cooking in old folks' homes.

Once they'd secured a desk in an agency, they spent most of their time away from it – encouraged by their CDs – seeing movies, visiting museums, drinking in the afternoon, lapping up life, mingling with the people they were talking to in their advertising.

How did we get so cosy? So inward looking? So parochial? So tied to our own overheated little industry? Or perhaps that's Ted's point. Perhaps I missed it.

(Oh, and 3.27pm, don't do it. The writing's on the wall).

Anonymous said:

there are bloke producers too - thought of that? ...bit of old school sexism going on here

Anonymous said:

Isn't this a job ad for D5 Aus?

Done Before said:

Writing "Been done Before" when it has been done before, has been done before

Anonymous said:

I married a producer. best move i ever made. but i did meet her before she was a producer and before i was a copywriter (so please don't accuse me of being an inward focusing wanker)

Anonymous said:

I'm a producer, a female one, and regardless of whether anyone thinks it sexist i think it's a bit of fun and a nice read on a shitty day. It made me laugh.

Creatives and producers are meant to be. Maybe not for better or worse but certainly for some fun times. It's written in the advertising stars.

Anonymous said:

a producer would shop until you had no money left

Anonymous said:

5.42

but would he want to marry one?


Anonymous said:

Chumming the waters for Cannes, nice one Ted.

Anonymous said:

Hey Ted

Nice read - made me smile

But the worrried look on your face reminds me of our trips out to Toyota

Perhaps we should have taken a Producer with us?

Take care mate

NM

Anonymous said:

I'm with a producer and she takes me out every night and puts it on your job numbers . Then I score and she puts it on your job numbers. Then we get a hotel room and fuck all night and she puts it on your job numbers.
Producers rule. Then I cab it home and she puts it on your job numbers.
In fact every agency in town has paid for me and my producer to get it on.
Thankx y'all.
M

Anonymous said:

Marry a DOP...much better looking....

Anonymous said:

I thought Creative Directors always got the services of producers free of charge

Anonymous said:

Fuck me! If every person I'd met in the last fifteen years was in advertising, I'd be one sad mutherfucker.

Anonymous said:

And the point of this is....?

Anonymous said:

To 5.31 pm who wrote:

"Once they'd secured a desk in an agency, they spent most of their time away from it – encouraged by their CDs – seeing movies, visiting museums, drinking in the afternoon, lapping up life, mingling with the people they were talking to in their advertising.

How did we get so cosy? So inward looking? So parochial? So tied to our own overheated little industry? Or perhaps that's Ted's point. Perhaps I missed it."

I think we're all a little too bloody busy these days to be away from the agency that much. We're not in the 80s anymore Dorothy.

Besides, youtube, theage.com.au, pirate copies of underbelly, thecoolhunter.net and knickerpicker.com (when I've really got spare time) all serve pretty well as sources of staying in touch with the modern world.

Anonymous said:

How very oldschool.

Sounds like you want a PA not a wife, and u view advertising as a series of 80's stereotypes.

Anonymous said:


Lose weight and you might have a chance

Anonymous said:

god, some of you people are humourless!

Anonymous said:

Very funny, but like many creative advertising ideas missing a fundamental point.

Producers may find Creatives entertaining and amusing to lunch with, fun to go on away shoots with - and drink late into the night with. They may even find them charming on ocassion - and in a certain dingy light might even imagine themselves lying drunk in your arms. But all this light and love is usually overshadowed on the set or in meetings, where they are more often than not unbearably childish, totally egostical, very rude and utterly self-obsessed with their own brilliance.

So they just don't like them very much.

Therapists perhaps?

Anonymous said:

Are people seriously saying he's sexist for only wanting to marry a woman?

You want Ted to be bisexual for the sake of political correctness?

Anonymous said:


Boring and predictable, lets all perpetuate tired stereotypes shall we...... If you want a women to organise your life for you while you act precious, move back in with your mum

Anonymous said:

I screwed a producer, married a receptionist, had affairs with creatives and a PA's, but never touched a client. Am I missing out?

Anonymous said:

If I had a man-gina I'd spoon you all night long Ted.

Anonymous said:

Hey 5:08, the way I heard it was:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to suck my c*ck.

BAMBAM said:

I'm a producer and my poor wife lives with the devil... Under paid, under valued, temperamental, not really respected, alcoholic, eats sh!t food, lies about where-a-bouts b/c in a pub and hides drinking problem, getting uglier by the week due to drinking, eating and stress issues, last one to leave each day, addicted to porn sites, e-bay, Google and porn sites, and last but not least about to slash my wrists..... Can someone give me a job in I.T? my C.V is above.....

Anonymous said:

Ted's a good catch. He's from Philadelphia. Cheesesteaks & weekends at the Jersey Shore. Can't ask for more than that!

Anonymous said:

Very sweet. And true. Producers are great. I've often marvelled at how they put up with shit coming from all angles, and still manage to pull everything together. I'm a chick, and I want to marry one too!

Anonymous said:

Ted

Having been your producer, I can tell you it wouldn't work from day one. You're married to your job, you're writer comes first over everybody and I don't take it in the bum.

Besides, I thought you enjoyed rooting mac operators too much!!!

Carolina said:

Maaaggiiiii

Anonymous said:

3.09,

You're right. Mine was the G rated version.

Just goes to show there's more than one way to skin a feminist.

Cheers,

5.08

(By the way, I thought it was 'big, fat c**k')

anonymous said:

Yoohoo! I'm a producer... will give you my husband's phone number. Talk.

Anonymous said:

I'm still waiting for the punchline.

Anonymous said:

Funny that.

Most CD's are suited to gold digging accounts girls. No wonder D5 are so different.

Anonymous said:

I married a client.

Our logo is of astronomical proportions.

Anonymous said:

I married a director. Laa Di daa.

Edifodia said:

thats for sure, guy

Ted M said:

Ted,

From one Ted to another...I did marry a producer and you're right.

Ted

PS - to make matters worse, i'm an account guy.

Anonymous said:

Dude, I think YOU are weird. And you ony exist within the ad world because in the real world you wouldn't fit in. Weirdo!

Hater69 said:

Only marry a producer that says yes. R/GA producers all say no.

Anonymous said:

I'm a producer in NY and a damn good one! Thank you for finally recognizing how awesome we are!! And yea, lots of these comments are very applicable but I'll let your imagination figure out which ones are true ;-)

Cazzo said:

These comments are so patethic...I think because you are all Americans without a life that only marry at work..

frank devos said:

I also married one, and because of her I started in this buisness.
We working togheter not on every project , because that would be a nightmare.
I as a Directro just wanna spend the whole budget and she in her jobdescription has to do the oposite.
Glad I won a Cannes lions due to her efforts and work,becasue honestly what would a director be without a .......

Producer said:

Not all producers are woman - in fact in my opinion the best producers are males - much more solid in bigger productions and no tears

Anonymous Producer said:

Thank you for the article...

You just made my day. I always thought that no one will appreciate producers.
People just throw things on us.

ledootch said:

great story ted. shame most people missed the tone of it. i would turn off the comments if i were you :) deon x

ardark said:

you call yourself a creative and his is the best writing you can come up with?

Romilly said:

Well HELLO!

I have been in advertising agencies and post production companies as a PRODUCER .... for many years .... too many years.

Wish I had read this before December 7th, when I met my current boyfriend (love of my life to date).

If I am unhappy with him in Feb 2016 I WILL PROPOSE .... TO YOU!

But you will be happily settled with your Producer by then for sure.

Good luck mate. Please keep me updated with your blog.

Funniest thing I have ever read.

Yours sincerely

Romilly Endacott
Producer Extraordinaire!
07973128152

Romilly Endacott said:

OMG Ted. If I hadn't met the man of my dreams in December .... I would be proposing. Romilly Endacott (PRODUCER OF ALL THINGS ADVERTISING AND POST PRODUCTION) and yes .... we can move mountains! Good luck in your search for your Producer Wife! If by Feb 2016 you are not betrothed, I will propose .....! x

Anon Y Mouse said:

And deep down, your producer wife would hate your guts and tell this to everyone else but you. Why? Because you never plan anything ahead of time like family vacations and visits to your mother, and you tell her to buy something at the grocery store that you absolutely need right now, after she's already paid, left the parking lot, and pulling into the part of driveway you allow her to take credit for. Finally, she'd leave you for another creative at another agency, because she couldn't take your crap another day, and realize she made the right move when you said it was great having her around. She knows that new creative is the same type of guy as you, but at least he has a bigger dick. And he's younger, so maybe he can be molded a little bit.

Ken said:

Or maybe you can try to have a life. Boring.

Dusty one said:

I'm a bloody stone mason and by the sound of it I need to marry a producer,as long as she doesn't mind me bringing lots of work,and various dead animals home. Any body wo thinks that sexist ought to try working on a bloody building site. They need to be dragged, kicking and screaming into the 1980's.

Account Person said:

Admitted account person here. I'm shocked to hear that account folk don't fit the bill as they wouldn't care enough about your goals. If we're only talking pre-requisites of the job, the whole point of being an account person is to support other's goals! Client goals, creative goals, agency goals. We're the 'make shit happen' people.

Producer dude said:

Thank you. You just made my thank less day better.

Blimey said:

A famous photographer once said to me, 'Keep away from these f**ked up advertising birds; get yourself a normal bird like a nurse or a social worker. Y'know, a nice bit of normal...'

wtf said:

Honestly? Who cares???

Oh, it's Droga5 so sit up and pay attention!

AG said:

I'm a producer, married to someone out of industry. What a waste of me :)

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